The five best books you’ll never read …

Occasionally, the world misses out on a masterpiece. Through extensive investigations, I have discovered five such cases. Read on and weep.

Catch Her in the Eye

Dealing with angst and rebellion, and frequently being told to “Hold On” or “Call Phil,” the protagonist is determined to get the girl. To catch her eye. Unfortunately, his idea of seduction is to take her on a fishing trip. His wish is granted, but like all wishes the reality does not live up to expectations. After catching her in the eye he has to take her to hospital.

Tequila Mockingbird

A tale of justice, ignorance, race, prejudice, and told deftly through the eyes of a child, Tequila Mockingbird would have been the forerunner of all courtroom dramas that followed. Everything from A Few Good Men to John Grisham’s career would have been inspired by this tale, had it been told. It is a powerful legal drama that all hinges on the testimony of a bird that went hunting for a worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle.

War and Peas

The author slaved away on this massive, massive tome for more than a decade but abandoned the manuscript after nearly four thousand pages because Leo Tolstoy got there first with a slightly better idea. In graphic detail, Leon Toystol tells how important the humble pea was to the Napoleonic war, how the humble vegetable influenced the taste buds, bowels and moods of key figures in the conflict. The biggest cookbook with one recipe (boil water, add peas) in history.

The Hatchback of Notre Dame

Esmeralda is a cute, young Parisian chick who didn’t look where she was going when crossing the road, and was bounced over the back of Quasimodo, the hatchback that is bossed around by Claude Frollo. Frollo pops her in the trunk/boot/bubble thing originally with the idea of taking her to hospital. But she gets better, and he is overcome with lust and decides to keep her. She later tries to escape, Quasimodo doesn’t want to let her until she fills him up with petrol/gas/LPG/whatever. After she fills him up, the hatchback swings down a bell rope and take her to safety.

Lord of the Files

In the midst of a wartime evacuation, a plane crashed on an island. The only survivors are a young office clerk and thirty-seven slightly misshapen filing cabinets. And all the files. The clerk, Ralph, straightens them and puts them in alphabetical order (this is known in some places as “alphabetizing” but we refuse to acknowledge the existence of such a word here). Later, when bored, he puts them in chronological order. Then in order of apparent importance. Finally, he gets cold. Who will burn, the paper or the person?