Kylo’s shirtless. Luke learnt a new trick. Rey’s pretty much the same. Phasma is Wile E. Coyote or something. Spoiler alert: they don’t blow up a Death Star.

The bits that go pew-pew-pew are best, and the bits that talk mumbo and jumbo are worst. The consensus is, The Last Jedi is the most divisive and argued about Star Wars film since … the last one. Did everyone just forget how much The Force Awakens both enthralled and disappointed everyone? And did anyone forget that all Star Wars movies are, let’s be real, just a bit shit? Even Empire had mynocks and a muppet being dragged around a swamp. And that’s my favourite.

The movie has launched a million thousand-word think pieces, and yet it all boils down to this. When it’s good, it’s great, and when it’s bad it’s not really that terrible. I mean, there’s no Jar Jar.

But I do wish they would re-shoot all of Benicio Del Toro’s scenes for the Blu-ray edition. Replace him with Christopher Plummer. It will only take a couple of days and a pointless half-hour of the film will at least become enjoyably pointless.

You will never be as cool as Christopher Plummer quoting Shakespeare in Klingon.

That is all.